See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
