also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
