Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
