1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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