Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
