i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
