I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have fence marks all over my body
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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