Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
