mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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