he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i came on her dog
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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