Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize