I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Boobs speak an international language.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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