I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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