Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
