I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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