I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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