You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize