There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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