I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
