if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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