can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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