Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
