You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
