I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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