and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dick very happy bro
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
