I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
