woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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