my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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