her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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