your parents love me but you hate me
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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