great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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