I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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