I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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