She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh god it's open bar.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
