just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
