I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
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