He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
