My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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