Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
tell me about the eggs
Randomize