I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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