I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize