birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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