My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
