My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
