Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
