Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize