Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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