I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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