you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
