Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
