you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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