I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sext me about skeletons
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
