That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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