you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
