i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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