Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
