My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We need to get me chipped asap
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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