I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
