I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
