Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
