Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
